when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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