I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize