I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
