where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
