Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
foreskin is a definite game changer
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
