Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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