My room smells like vodka and shame
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
