I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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