he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
