So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
