She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
