honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
there's paper in my vomit.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
