woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
