I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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