Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
