Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I pour the whiskey from now on
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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