One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
