I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
