don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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