im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
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