There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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