Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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