It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
