allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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