the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
