Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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