She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
