wrigley field is MILF paradise
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
