Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
