You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
She bit a glass in half.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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