Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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