I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
