I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
your room smells of hookers.
And success
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
