Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
