This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
