at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Randomize
