i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
