at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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