Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
