I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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