Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
