my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
