Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
