omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
