Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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