Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
