Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
