I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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