just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
