you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
