I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
