you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
