It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
