Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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