new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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