You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
