i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
