is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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